its strange that sometimes you forget things that you've experienced.
how sometimes its as if they never even existed at all.
like a part of your life, just for a few moments, never happened or was somehow different.
even though at that moment it was all encompassing, all you could think about...

maybe it was someone elses life.

then you hear your friends talk about it, read about it in magazines, watch it on the tv, on the internet, on the radio...suddenly you realise its everywhere.
and no-one else bats an eyelid.
you are surrounded by it and yet you're still completely alone.
because it was your life.
you may have forgotton, pushed it to the back of your mind, but it never leaves you.
all those oh so familiar sweet thoughts come rushing back. the memories. the suffering and the achievement. the secrets and the lies. the strive for perfection.

they don't know.
they don't really know who you are.
they don't know whats stirring up inside of you.
like an old friend who was always by your side, telling you the truth, and who, it seems, never really left you no matter how hard you tried to please everyone else by not playing her games.



you look in the mirror.
there's no denying what has been.
scars. fucking everywhere.
fat. that you let get there because you gave up. or grew up...or changed or something.
but you're looking in the mirror and you still hate every fucking cell of your body. this body that you're ashamed and disgusted to call your own.
and you know whats coming.

have you ever felt like you just don't know who you are?
or how you came to be the person you see in the mirror?
did you ever even possess a comprehensible sense of self?
is it what we do, or how we think and act that defines us?
do you find you sometimes can't even recognise yourself?

i used to think i knew who i was.
or at least i knew how others saw me.
i was the quiet geeky kid who kept her head down. the dysfunctional one who was too skinny and too sad, and had way more scars than anyone else. maybe i was just a clumsy kid but there was probably more to it than that.
i wasnt popular but i had my friends.
i just remained in the background.

i buried myself in schoolwork, then college work.
i defined myself by others' labels.
i was a cutter and i had an eating disorder, and i was a freak.

i felt like i had no personality.
there was nothing else inside my head to give, nothing else to me as a person other than self harming and being obsessed with thinness.
that was my life.

over the last year or so things have changed.
i had to stop cutting and i had to start eating more normally.
my parents were on my back all the time, and i had to change because i wasn't working right, the way i was and the way i lived my life wasn't acceptable, wasn't good, wasn't normal.
i had to try and cut out this massive part of me, this part that was somehow wrong.
and i kind of did.
i stopped cutting and tried to eat like everyone else and not get fat.
tried to please everyone else because all i'd been doing was being selfish.
it was not an easy thing to do; to supress what was then i suppose my futile sense of self and in a sense become a whole other person.
a different side of me did come about i think. i don't know whether others noticed a change in me, i certainly didn't feel particularly different...but something had changed.

i got a boyfriend, who absolutely adores me and who i love very very much.
i came to uni, and for the first time i was actually allowed to be my own person instead of being "controlled" for want of a better word by my parents and my superficial friends.
life here is so hectic and alcohol filled that i don't get much time to think about myself or my life.
until the last few nights.
being unable to sleep is a complete bitch.
because it made me realise that i dont know who i am.
and i cut myself for the first time in fucking ages.
and it relaxed me.
and i went to sleep.

i cannot stand this anymore.
i cannot stand being treated like i am not a real person.
you guys understand what its like to have no self esteem and no self worth, but i bet you have people telling you how wonderful you are every day.
for me its different.
my so called friends spend all their time just proving me right.
they show me that i am nothing, that i am unworthy, that i am nothing more than SHIT.

it happened with my friends back home when i moved away to uni.
and now its happening here too and i'm not sure i can deal with it again in so short a space of time.

why do i always put my faith in people who couldnt care less whether i lived or died?
i could have not showed up tonight.
i could have walked infront of that bus.
i could have tumbled off that bridge.
and noone would even realise.
why do i always find the shit people to make friends woth, the ones who make me think "what the fuck is the poi8nt?!" the ones who seem ok but then let me down.

we were supposed to meet up before we went out tonight.
i felt a bit shitty and ill but if i say i'm gonna meet someone i will meet them there no matter what you know. so i went. in the fucking pouring rain i went to meet my friends. who - lo and behold - werent actually there. i waited like an hour for them. before thinking you know what fuck them, i'm gonna go to the club anyways. so i got a taxi on my own. and guess who was there when i got there? yes. and they said not a word to me about it.

i know that i am probably mking a big deal out of nothing here, but it really upset me.
like i said before i have no friends back home anymore and i couldnt face the same thing happening here at uni.
people just seem to be able to easily just walk all over me all the time, they can use me and i will just take it because i want to make friends and i dont want to anger people or anything.
i'll just take it.

my frienbds from home are pissed at me and i dont know why.
some of my new friends at uni just ditched me tonight. again i dont know why.
is there something about me that says pushover, easy target, or use me please?
something that says its ok, do what you want, i will punish myself for it later.

he says fuck them.
i say i want to just forget about it but it makes me so upset you know i just cant help it.
its late and i am tipsy and i dont know if this is even making any sense.

when will things change?>
when will there be a time that i will think yes there is a point and a meaning for this?
when will i learn to be strong, and notto be a doormat?
when will i learn to be somebody else??

i am sorry for not posting for like, over a month.

it just seems like all i do is write bout how much of a failure i am.

and i can't keep doing that.
i can't keep relying on other people to pick me back off the floor for a couple of days before i fall again.
and i always fall again.

so i'm laying low for a while.
i don't feel like i belong with you all, i can't even shift a few lousy pounds at the moment.
i will be back, when all my exams are over and when i've lost a decent amount of weight.
i am not quitting, and i will keep reading and commenting your posts when i can.
i just don't feel like i am good enough for you girls.

stay strong my lovelies, we can do it.
all my love, C. x

she sits and stares.
the blank screen invites words but she can think of none.
she only wants to try and make the voices and the screaming stop.

she sits, bleeding.
smiling as she traces the pretty new marks she created in her skin.
the pain is comforting in a world that is turning ever more cold and lonely.
the screaming is a little quieter now, but there is guilt.
it was easier when nobody knew.

she sits, eating. infront of them.
she loathes it and she grits her teeth as she smiles for them, yum.
she knows they are watching, and she tries her best to be a good girl.

she sits, eating. alone.
she is sad and fat and disappointed.
but then she always knew she would fail.
and she does not want to fail again.

she lies awake at night.
too tired to sleep, too much to think about.
thoughts keep going round and around in her head.
they never make sense.

she lies, and wonders what he is thinking.

she lies.
every hour of every day.
to her friends, to her family, to perfect strangers.
to herself.

i am going to fail my grade seven music exam.
my teacher told me so.

there are two attitudes i could adopt for this:

a) i could decide that i will prove her wrong, and i will work my ass off to show that i am not a failure and i can do this.

b) i can give in and say i told you i would fail this exam i told you i could not do it but you made me anyway and now i am a failure.

i'm stuck in the middle, waiting.

i know i'm not writing in here as often as i should.
truth is, when it comes to getting everything out, i dont know how, or i just can't.

i have a lot of work to do as well like.
i finish college in 22 days.
(which means i have half a stone to lose in those 22 days...i know this and still consumed about a gazillion calories yesterday..why?!?)
mock exam this afternoon...tomorrow....real exams tuesday-friday next week with another mock thrown in the middle...mock the week after on the monday.....finish. real fucking exams. over.
failure?

i had a day off yesterday and didnt fucking do anything.
so today i'm staying in college all day to get some work done.
i swear, i live in the fucking library at the moment.
its stressful.
and i cut last night. i'd been doing ok. but i cut cut cut. maybe 11? i dont know. i deserved it.

i have a lot of things going round my mind right now.

and i just can't seem to make sense of any of it.

i can't get it written down and out of my mind because everythings so fucking confusing and contradictory, it just turns into disillusioned ramblings.

my head is all over the fucking place.

and i just don't know what to do.


( nonsensical rantage )

anyways, i binged yesterday which hasnt done much for my emotional state.
today has to be fucking good, so's i can weigh myself in the morning and not be about 10lbs heavier thankyou.
i've been caving for too long.
got. to. be. stronger.
got. to. be. skinny.

i'd like to be able to remember a time where life wasnt so complicated.

where i didnt know i was ugly and strange, and where my happiness didn't depend so much on other people's judgements.

i'd like to say i can at least remember a time when i was happy with being me, but i can't.

i wonder what it's like to not want to cut yourself open because you know, you know you deserve it. because you need to make sure you are alive and you are real. i wonder what its like to believe that mutilation is disturbing rather than beautiful.

i'd like to get a little sleep at night.

i wish i wouldn't talk to myself quite so much, or think things over again and again until nothing quite makes sense anymore.

what is it like when everything isn't numb?
when pain is recognised as a bad thing?
when food isn't the enemy?
when you don't have a peculiar tendency to self destruct?

i wonder what it would be like if i wasnt so acquainted with intense sadness.

i'd like to have a stronger resolve, or i'd like weakness and failure to be not this easy for me.

i wish i knew what i wanted.
i wish being with you didnt hurt quite so much.

i'd like to be able to remember the last time i actually believed the words "it's going to be ok", or "i love you".

i'd like to re-invent myself everyday.

i wonder what life would be like if i actually cared whether i got hurt or not. if the part of me that doesnt crave affection and attention, didnt crave pain and abuse.

if i could accept myself, maybe other people could begin to accept who i am.

you.
you make this worse.
nothing is ever good enough, no one can ever live up to your fucking standards.

"well, they've failed miserably, didn't even get past the first hurdle"

"he's let you down, get rid of him, sack him off, you don't want him around"

"i'm so disappointed in it, you don't wanna get involved with that"
"why are you spending time with these people? we'll not go into what we really think about her"

"where are you going what are you doing who are you with when will you be back if you don't get back you can forget seeing them again they're not trustworthy and you're a fool until you realise that you shouldnt trust them with anything"

"you don't have a problem, what are you talking about? you arent sick it's all in your head you're making it up for attention you cow"

"lies lies lies lies lies he's lying to you can't you see it?"
"stop letting them walk all over you thats whats happening you know stand up for yourself once in a while"


you associate everything i do, everything i get involved in, everything i believe in, everyone i love, with failure.
the common factor here is me.

i am a failure.
i am not good enough.
i am a disappointment.
i am the problem.

well someones gotta tell it to me straight.